SOD-YOU-KU
KILL YOUR LOCAL SUDOKU, PLEASE

CAN'T YOU SEE? CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT IT'S DOING TO YOUR BRAIN? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PERSON? OH YES, OF COURSE, HE'S PLAYING SUDOKU AND LOOK, IS THAT HIS BRAIN DRIBBLING FROM HIS EAR? WHAT? OH YES, THAT'S IT, THE ONE THEY ALL PLAY TO PROVE THEY'RE NOT RACIST AND FOREIGNERS REALLY CAN DO CLEVER THINGS? IS THAT IT? IS IT THE ONE THEY'VE BEEN SLOWLY CONDITIONED TO PLAY AS TO IGNORE THE POLYPHONIC RINGTONES SNEAKING ONTO THEIR PHONES? THAT GAME? IS THAT THE ONE? THE ONE WHERE YOU PUT NUMBERS IN LINES AND THEN CELEBRATE BECAUSE PEOPLE OF LESSER NEWSPAPER READERSHIP CAN'T DO IT? IS IT THE 'FIENDISHLY' ADDICTIVE GAME THAT THE MOON LANDINGS WERE FAKED FOR? THEY DON'T CALL IT FIENDISH FOR ANY OLD REASON. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A JOURNALIST BEFORE? OF COURSE YOU HAVEN'T! IS IT THE ONE THAT THE US MILITARY TRIED TO IMPLEMENT IN THE FIRST GULF WAR AS TO DISTRACT THE ENTIRE PERSIAN GULF FROM THEIR LITTLE DEPLETED URANIUM SECRETS? THE 'GAME' THAT HAS NOW ACCOUNTED FOR SIX HURRICANES, TWO WORLD-CUP DEFEATS, SIX NEWLY ACTIVE VOLCANOES, THREE TOE STUBS AND ONE OR TWO PYLON 'ACCIDENTS' WHERE THE PYLON 'ACCIDENTALLY' FELL INTO SOMEONE'S CONSERVATORY AS THEY PLAYED 'LAST YEAR'S BIGGEST PHENOMENON' ON THEIR LITTLE SUN CHAIR WITH THEIR NICE LITTLE CONSERVATORY AWNING OUTSIDE? IS THAT THE GAME YOU'RE SAT PLAYING? THE ONE THAT HAS BRIGHT ORANGE BLOOD? THE ONE THAT ARRIVED ON THE SAME DAY AS THE ROSWELL INCIDENT AND NEEDED THAT 'INCIDENT' TO MASK THE TRUTH? IS IT NOT THAT EXACT GAME THAT REQUIRES ONE'S EYES TO BEND IN COMPLETELY THE WRONG DIRECTION TO ACCOMPLISH? IS THAT THE GAME YOU'RE PLAYING THERE? IS IT FUN?! IS IT REALLY FUN?!? ARE YOU LOVING IT? ARE YOU REALLY FEELING BRILLIANT ABOUT YOURSELF RIGHT NOW? DID YOU BEAT EASY MEDIUM AND HARD TODAY? WAS IT THOROUGHLY HEART-WARMING TO NOT TRIP OVER WHILST PLAYING IT ON THE FLY? DID YOU FEEL LIKE A CHAMPION WHEN YOU GOT THAT LAST 'FIVE'? IT'S NOT A FIVE! IT'S A DATA TRANSFER NODULE THAT UPON ACTIVATION FIRES SIXTEEN NUCLEAR WARHEADS INTO SPACE? OH, WHAT, YOU DIDN'T KNOW WE NEARLY GOT NUKED SIX TIMES EVERY DAY? MICHAEL MOORE?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT SIX THERE? DON'T PUT THAT SIX THERE, YOU'RE GOING TO EXPLODE IF YOU PUT THAT SIX THERE! IT'S GOT ORANGE BLOOD! HOW CAN IT BE ANYWHERE APPROACHING ALTOGETHER BENIGN? IT'S ABSOLUTELY NOT ENTERTAINING FOR ANY OF US! CAN'T YOU SEE?! CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND? LOOK AT IT! IT'S KILLING YOU! IT'S KILLING ALL OF US! LOOK! I'M DYING!
IT'S NOT FUNNY
I hereby assure you that killing sudoku is not bad or distressing. They don't even make noise but they still die. That's how subversive they are. Kill them and take pictures - let us send a warning to them, wherever they sit. They take your hours and they eat them and they don't even poo them out afterwards. They're waiting for e-journalism to envelop you all and then they'll elecrocute you like DEADLY CALCULATORS.
GO DOWNSTAIRS AND KILL YOUR SUDOKU AND BURN YOUR RECYCLING BAGS IT WAS SUDOKU THAT EVER SUGGESTED THE OZONE LAYER EXISTED BUT THEY LIED BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS THAT THEY CAN'T EVEN GET TO EARTH IF WE 'POLLUTE' THE ATMOSPHERE SO BURN EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO STOP THEM. REND THE PAPER'S FIBRES IN THE DIRECTION THAT TEARS THEM; IF YOU MAKE A NICE NEAT FOLD AND THEN RIP THEM CORRECTLY THEY WILL RE-ASSEMBLE AND ROLL THEMSELVES UP AND CRAWL INTO YOUR MOUTH WHILE YOU SLEEP AND SUFFOCATE YOU.

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