DO YOU METRO?
I DON'T. AND WON'T. AND MIGHT EVENTUALLY NEVER HAVE TO.

I'm becoming increasingly fed up with the Metro, a 'Freesheet' distributed by Associated Newspapers. In Cardiff it's now become pretty much the weekday-morning staple for train-riding commuters, and/or those working in the city centre.

Each and every morning the distributors stand about in their daft costumes and caps, thrusting this paper on people. And because these people *will* be bored on the trains, which usually - if not always - are crap, they'll take one to read.

Now, while I agree with the idea of it - a sort-of reliable source of information before you get into work, at least - I also can't help but consider the implications of its contents. If this free paper is informing opinions before people get into work - perhaps only then to check their own news sources - then at the very least it is also setting a precedent for consumed information. That is, that your opinions are going to be at least partially informed for that day, by one early-morning source.

But then you've to consider people who might not have the luxury of checking blogs or independent news sources. Or perhaps even people who just aren't so interested.

And it's possibly the latter that I'm most worried about.

Let's consider the Metro's stablemates:

The Mail.

The Mail on Sunday.

The Evening Standard.

I don't care much for the latter, because it's - I believe - a London-only paper. But the other two are - in my opinion - dangerous. Wrecklessly so. With facts. With 'retractions.' With campaigns. With Richard Littlejohn.

You can say what you like about the Mail, because usually it deserves all the (predominently leftist) bashing it receives - 'cool' or not - but essentially it's a nasty paper containing opines of the nastiest sort.

So far, so communist.

BUT. The Metro is also monstrously widespread. It targets people of my youthful gait, much as it targets the suited chap, the be-heeled lady, the student, the everybody.

(I don't give much of a crap for you lot in London, by the way, because you've got too much arts-council funding to recompense and consolidate yourselves with.)

In any case my issues with Cardiff's Metro are legion:

a) It's very London-centric.

b) Any reference to Cardiff is fleeting, mostly car advertising and furthermore consists of listings and the odd news tidbit probably already sold to the Western Mail or South Wales Echo. There isn't anything in there that's relevant to me, either.

c) It's badly designed.

d) Its distributors are rude.

e) It causes untold littering.

f) There is NO alternative - it maintains a complete monopoly simply because it is free.

g) It mentions celebrities, incessantly.

There are other issues, but these can be saved for my libel case.

Here comes my point.

I'm able to write, design and proof-read to a high standard. So are many of my friends, acquaintances and other such contacts.

So, it was this morning that while on a train an idea struck me between the temples. Possibly a foolish one, possibly not. But essentially how hard can it be to produce a weekly 'freesheet' as an alternative? More specifically one that doesn't much care about the news but instead entertains people without mentioning Britney Spears before they get into work where they can then check any number of proper news sources.

1) It'd be costly. At first. The Metro presumably fills its pages with adverts to pay for itself. An alternative could do similarly. My alternative would do so eventually.

2) It'd be very funny. I know plenty of talented, satirical writers. Not least sites and people I've come across online, like the superb David over at The Spine, or even the pro-Proper-English Grammar Fascists. Those regular here and perhaps familiar with my old newspaper columns know that I'm not so bad at writing nonsense myself, too. You only need to scroll down the links to friends' blogs to see that many of them have youth and intelligence on their side, if not age and wiseness too.

3) It would make a point, not only about the newspaper industry generally but because it'd be a genuine 'sod off' to the Metro. Ultimately, yes, it'd be a send-up of the Metro, but with that it would be good-natured and it would appeal to people who - like me - are possibly also very fed up with the rubbish they're left to read in the mornings.

4) It would be timely. Does anyone else do it? No. Does anyone want something different? Yes.

5) It'd be attractive. Because it wouldn't be printed if it wasn't.

6) It'd be distrubuted every Friday morning by like-minded volunteers who smile, who are polite and who most importantly would have a sense of humour.

7) It would helmed by a bit of a perfectionist, who also doesn't much believe in hierarchy and who would - if possible - assemble an editorial team where everybody has an equal say in the direction of it.

SO.

Over Christmas I'm going to write enough copy for a 20 page newspaper. It's possibly going to be called the Cardiff Sentinel. It's going to be silly. It's going to have a sense of humour. It's going to be super turbo smashing and indeed great.

And then, somehow, I'm going to get it printed and I'm going to take it to Cardiff Central train station with a couple of wonderful friends - who I haven't told yet, admittedly - at 8am on a Friday morning and we're all going to wear the same clothes so we look flash and resourceful and we're going to give a copy of it to people with a free chocolate bar. And we'll see what happens next.

I'm actually very serious about doing this.

If you want to invest in my idea then let me know.