IT IS WHOLLY UNSURPRISING TO ME THAT WOMEN SOMETIMES DISLIKE MEN
WORSE STILL ARE THE MEN WHO AGREE TO MEET AT THE BRISTOL ROYAL INFIRMARY AT 12AM IF THEY AGREE TO 'NO KISSING'

Is it any fucking wonder women are fed up with dating? And men? And internets? And internet dating? And internet men?

The answer is that it's no fucking wonder.

I've spent the last week pretending to be a woman and I'm fed up of it too.

But why? Well, after the other week's attempt - and failure - to get something of a response to a dating ad on Gumtree, I reasoned that boredom and general woe in my real life might as well translate into winding some more idiots up on the fake one. And really they are IDIOTS.

And I've had 48 replies.

Here's the catchment piece, then:

Subj: Balloon Fan Seeks Several Things But Also Men Who Like Bingo Age: 24

Hello, boys. I'm a big fan of dressing myself up in lots of static-friendly clothes and rubbing balloons on myself. Sometimes I stick them to walls afterwards and take artful pictures of them. The rest of the time I'm 24, single, and after a nice time with somebody who's not afraid to swear, smoke or drink mouthwash. Is that you? Bingo-skillz a must. Email me with a nice photograph of your stomach and we'll see if you like my balloons. Cheerio! xx

Which, you know, attracted a great variety of genuine fucking plebbery that men actually seem to think might interest a girl, examples of which follow:

heya babes u alrite? im 21 male from Bristol! nice profile u got! u seemlike a wicked person! fun and freindly like! would love to chat with u sumtimehope to get to know each other?! i got pics on my MSN if u got it?? add me!!!!hope to hear from u soon babe! xxxx! hehe Speak soon! Big Kiss!!

I replied to this one and explained that I didn't understand anything he said, that I failed to see how kisses could be punctuated with exclamation marks, that he wouldn't see me soon, and that calling women 'babes' is obviously some strange cultural seeping from American television, and isn't necessary. I said too that I worked in the MOD and that he looked like a thug and a gangster in his picture, which was also true. He was also about 16, and I said I hoped he wouldn't grow into one of those ugly men who in clubs think they can have anybody they want.

Another man fielded this as his attractive gambit:

I dont have a picture of my stomach, but here is one I took of NY instead. My feet are relatively small - and my chest is totally hairless.

I told him that I liked his picture of him standing proudly in New York but that his face was a bit too obviously disgusting and that next time he should just jump off.

Others were more arrogant about their stomachs, which of course I'd asked for pictures of in an exercise to prove how desperate and stupid and gullible men are.

'Dave' said:

Whatcha reckon??? One seriously hot belly hey?

To which I said, 'no, Dave, I think it's just awful, you anorexic fat nob.'

Punctuation also seemed a vastly male problem, with one chap inventing an entire subset of bizarre comma-usage:
hiya,, nice post there,, i am right into the same,wowzers i thought i was the only one into that,, and your not far away at all,, well im 30 male slim sexy and also local,,,

How does one actually justify doing that to the English language? I explained to him that he should've noted my reasonable admiration for capital letters and apostrophes, and that I would not be dating him on the grounds that if his fingers have a stammer then what is his voice going to be like?

He replied by calling me a very rude four-letter word.

Others were more direct - possibly candidates for massive adultery and so on. 'Henry' simply said:

hi just read your advert please get back to me

So I didn't, instead saying 'no time no capital letters no desperate fat men'

'J' thought my 'ad was great', and wondered if I was always this funny. I said, hey, that sometimes I am, yes, but that I'm a man, and I'm going to be writing about my experiences as a pretend woman on my blog. He didn't reply either.

Some of them just didn't shut up about themselves. They droned on and on about their pointless lives in IT and recruiting like they're massively rad and all that, but aren't, and then say they're going to join a band or start a magazine or something. I told them that they'd better bloody had, because they won't get a Gumtree date by claiming to be 'genuinely interested in talking.'

We're all looking at you, Chris*. The girl you thought you were wooing isn't exactly going to be interested in 'sitting in silence', is she?

Others were just profoundly irritating. Said one man:

you sound crazy lol what kind of bingo do u like?

And well I just went bananas and said FUCK OFF to him, and that I liked the kind of Bingo where people didn't shout LOL when they won, or something, and then I said fuck off three more times. It was all written in capital letters - and I was quite proud of it.

Broken English featured in some ads. I didn't reply to these because I think to reveal what I was up to would have possibly represented too much of a culture shock to a nice man from Slovakia. If I went to Japan and somebody there decided to wind me up I'd be given to quickly leave, for example. The foreign men had the nicest tummies though.

And no, Littlejohn, it's not an idea.

Rebounding men were also struck off. One guy posited:

How cute do you sound! Luv to see your balloonsIm 25, single...since Friday, and up for having a laugh with someone.

So I said, 'Not cute in the slightest; I'm basically a centaur, and I want a man younger than me so I can abuse his innocent willingness to pay for everything. I feel sorry for your ex, because waiting three days to hit Gumtree for a date is kind of disgusting, and I hope she gave you something awful and infectious that will make your penis fall off before you next convince somebody to show you their nipples. You prannock.'

Offers from a willing 42-year-old pen-pal were roundly applauded. Well done Rog. Shame you aren't a sailor really.

Anyway, I've saved the best for last. Greg sent a picture of his stupidly toned and bronzed stomach, with a single sentence:

I am the man to do this, believieve it or not i can satisfy it

To which I quickly said 'I don't believieveieve a word you write, Greg, you flaky crab masher.'

And he said, 'It's true,' but without the punctuation.

I asked him if he was Jesus and didn't receive anything else.

(To be fair, some of them seemed charming, and to them I sent the following email:

'Dear Gumtree Applicant,

I'm sorry to inform you that I'm a man. I'm sorry.')

That's it really. To hell with a narrative structure: it's only a blog.

*But not *you*, Chris W.